So it's the day after Super Bowl Sunday which means, in nerd terms, it's the day to look over the commercials and ascertain what major blockbuster looked good and what looked like stinky ass. And, hey there, ho there, hi there campers, but there's A LOT of nerd love being pushed. For your consideration:

- Thor (Looks terrible)
- Captain America (Joe Johnston's last three films were Jurassic Park III, Hidalgo, and The Wolfman.)
- Super 8 (Meh)
- Pirate of the Carribean IV (staring the kooky Johnny Depp)
- Transformers III (my butt still aches from Transformers 2; thank you very much, Mr. Bay)
- Cowboys & Aliens (once I saw Daniel Craig jumping on the wing of the space ship, I was done.)

Anyway, it's gonna be a huge nerd year which means that it has the potential to be a year of epic flop proportions. And if Captain America stinks, it's not going to be Joe Johnston getting thrown under the bus. Oh no. It's gonna be the nerds - nerds who brought us such sloppy films as Kick Ass and Scott Pilgrim which were both little more than visual treats that blurred the lines between over aged slackers and eye popping, childish story telling.

Yet as I went over and over the list of nerds talking about new films I found that one bright star was missing.

Kung Fu Panda 2.

What is keeping the nerd community from embracing this film? Is it Jack Black? Is it Angelina Jolie? Is it Shrek backlash? Is it Pixar Elitism? Is it the studios comments that they would like to make another five Kung Fu Pandas?

What is it about Kung Fu Panda 2 that leaves a bad taste in nerds mouths?

The first Kung Fu Panda movie is fantastic. Forget who is doing whose voice. It's not only just an incredible film, it's an amazing Kung Fu film. It has the perfect balance of carefully thought out, relevant fights, mixed with emotion and superb story telling.

I remember seeing the previews for the first Kung Fu Panda. God, but it looked stupid. Awful puns. Jack Black being... you know... Jack Black. I went to the film very reluctantly. And in the end, I saw it over seven times in the theatre and dragged everyone I knew and loved to it.

So I'm going to say it, right here and right now, for the record. Ignore what the nerds are saying. Don't line up Thor. Don't get all excited about Captain America. Instead, go see Kung Fu Panda 2. I bet it will be, at least, half as good as the first one and that's already 1,000 times better than anything else I saw previews for.

So late last night, as my wife and I were canoodling in bed and having one of our typical, chatty slumber parties before falling asleep, Gan mentioned that Minneapolis was recently voted the Gayest City in America.

Now, Minneapolis is a fantastic city and has one of the most wonderful gay communities that I've ever been lucky enough to experience. But the gayest?

I scoffed.

I did. I couldn't help it. Once you've been sitting at a stop light at Van Ness and Castro and watched two men, with two damn healthy mustaches I might add, openly french kissing, maybe even going for a little butt squeeze, well, after seeing something like that Minneapolis falls short. I mean San Francisco's fight alone against Proposition 8 and the Mormon attempt to claim marriage as their heterosexual own was a fight that echoed throughout a nation. And while I understand that, yes, not all homosexuals live in the Castro District in San Francisco or work on Broadway in New York City, we're talking about "The Gayest" City in America. Having the best bear bar in the midwest is awesome but it doesn't necessarily eclipse the past 50 years of history.

(And I'm not even counting where ever Liza is living right now which, in my opinion, gives any city a plus 28 to gay. Even if the city is in some place like Alabama or Mississippi.)

So, when Gan sent me a link to the article...

Gayest Cities in America!

... I had to check the list out. After reading the article, I sent her the following e-mail as my response. I felt it was an obligation on my part as being the straightest man most often mistaken for a gay man in America.

#15. Miami. Thank you Gay Dan from the Real World. You were Gay enough to get Miami on the list. Shine on, you crazy gay diamond!


#14. Oakland. See, now that's just cheating. Suburbs count now? *sheesh* Oakland is only booming because of the housing market. (see #6)


#13. Denver. Gay cowboys! Woo hoo! Ever seen a Gay cowboy from Denver? They're like 6'4". Manly men. 100% Grade A Beef. And about as far in the closet as you can get.


#12. Cleveland. Really? Cleveland? Huh. Who knew? (I'd say about 99.99% of people who don't live in Cleveland - that's who.)


#11. San Francisco. Sure. Why would this be in the top 10? They only have a twelve square block area that has been a safe haven for openly gay couples for over 40 years. Come on! It's fucking Gay Mecca.


#10. St. Louis. If Judy Garland hadn't sung a song about St. Louis, this city wouldn't even be on the list.


#9. Seattle. Hmm. Actually kinda surprised this isn't higher on the list.


#8. Washington D.C. Yeah but half of those Republican senators don't even live in Washington D.C. They live in like Maryland and Virginia. *rimshot* (GET IT! RIMSHOT! TWO JOKES IN ONE!)


#7. Atlanta. What? Really? Next you'll be telling me Montana loves them some gay boys. *rolls eyes*


#6. Vancouver, Washington. The city across the river from Portland? That's just cheating. Suburb. (see #14)


#5. Pittsburgh. You know, I'm not fighting this one. When I was in Pittsburgh I thought to myself, man, some gay neighbors and this place would be great. No surprises here. Beautiful place. I bet in 10 years this place will be a huge Gay tourist vacation spot. Hills. Woods. Brick houses. Elite colleges. Besides, you've got all those steel mills.


#4. Orlando. *cough* Bullsh*t. *cough* Mickey Mouse doesn't necessarily equal gay. Yes, I know that everyone working at the park is. DOESN'T COUNT!


#3. Las Vegas. Okay. No complaints here. But then again, anytime anyone talks about Las Vegas, all they are really talking about is the strip. And seriously, if someone passed a law outlawing magicians, the city would fall back to like spot number 18 or something.


#2. Santa Fe. Uh huh. Sure. HA!


#1. Minneapolis. Well, it's number 1 in my book anyway. And lord knows I've never been in a city where it was as socially acceptable to be gay. (oh wait. I mean besides #11. SAN FRANCISCO!)

And in my humble opinion here are some over looked cities that should have made the list....

#1. New York City. Yes, if Sex in the City taught us anything, it's that gays hate New York. Come on people. Two words - Broad-fucking-way. Who do you think stars in all those plays? Anorexic straight men? I mean, for the love of a happy gay god, it's the fashion capitol of the world.

#2. Walnut Creek, California. Okay, sure. Maybe not a lot of gay boy dance clubs but never will you find a city with happier, confident, more successful lesbians anywhere on Earth. Seriously, Walnut Creek is about 10 years from becoming Paradise Island or Lesbos. Ask anyone who works at Home Depot. Or anyone who has ever sold a Subaru/minivan. (then again, it's all but a suburb of San Francisco.)

#3. All of the Hawaiian Islands. Uh hello? For the longest time if you wanted to get MARRIED, yes gay married, people were going to Hawaii. Old gays, new gays, red gays, blue gays, this owns a little bar, this one drive a pink gay car, they're all in Hawaii. Problem is, it's spread all over the islands and there isn't one city that's gayer than all the rest. But Hawaii = Super Awesome Gay!

#4. And as long as we considering states for cities, I might as well just say Vermont and the entire Bed and Breakfast community. What? Oh come on. Like Santa Fe is more gay than Vermont? Orlando? Pullleeeeeze. St. Louis? Now you're just being silly.

#5. Los Angeles, California. So obvious, it's easy to overlook. Even the homeless people are gay. The acting population alone throws the bell curve waaaaaaaaay off. And I'm not even counting the Church of Scientology.

If Queer Eye for the Straight Guy taught us anything it's that it's impossible to be "The Gayest". There is simply different types of really-fucking-gay, all equally wonderful, all special in his or her own unique way. If there is no other reason to love this oh-so-wrong list, it's the fact that we can argue about which city is the bestest for gay men and women. Just twenty years ago, an article like this wouldn't even have considered being written.

Well. It's that time again. Time to look at what an entire year of greed and feeding my impulses has produced. I must admit that as I took a long good look, I wasn't happy with what I saw. Bloated. Just tons of crap I never needed in the first place. So, like so many people, I decided it was time to take matters into my own hands.

Yup. That's right. I'm cutting back on the number of people I follow on twitter.

Goodbye, Pol Pot! *unfollow*
So Long, Cameron Diaz! *unfollow*
Adios, guy pretending to be Bridget Jones! *unfollow*
Bye Bye, guy I met in bar and felt obligated to follow on twitter! *unfollow*
Hasta La Wantabagel, Minneapolis Snow Emergency Guy! *unfollow*

That's right. It's 2011 and I'm trimming the fat. It's time I got my twitter account into shape so I can read only the most important tweets and not get bogged down with whatever twitpics that Nathan Fillion is taking. ("Holy Crap! Is that the Popeye's Chicken that he's eating at RIGHT NOW! Wow! If only I was in LA!")

Call me Mr. Captain Plastic Surgeon Guy because I'm trimming all those unneeded and fatty twitter accounts that have made opening and reading my feed an exhausting chore. I know, I know, I could make myself some fancy lists and then I could only read whatever blah, blah, blah, crap, crap, crap, I wanted. But you know what? I don't need to. Two seconds wasted times 8,000 is, like, fifteen minutes or something and that's fifteen minutes that I could be using to write a sonnet that would make Shakespeare puke in envy. Or fifteen minutes that I could be using to look for something in the refrigerator that I'm pretty sure we bought last time we were at Target. Honey? Didn't we buy those little frozen bagel pizza thingies with the cheese and the pickles? I thought we bought those. Why can't I find them?

So f*ck off, nosy lady who lives next door to Jane Fonda! *unfollow*
Piss off, Feminist Ghost Rider! *unfollow*
Go away, the real William H. Macy! *unfollow*
I'm tired of listening to you whine, Boutros Boutros Ghali! *unfollow*

It's a new year! It's time to hold myself up to a higher (slightly less pathetic) standard. I don't want to be one of those guys, logged into the Dunkin Donuts wifi and checking up on Neil Gaiman's rectal procedure. That won't be me, Mr. Captain Jesus Lord Man. That won't be me.

So my lovely wife bought me an iPad for Christmas. I have to say that this has to go down as the most amazing present that I have ever been not worthy enough to receive. Every now and then, I still grasp the damn thing and think to myself, "I can't believe this is mine."



If you haven't seen, the iPad is a slick touch screen mini computer that runs on a simple point and click operating system. Applications for the iPhone and iTouch run on it easy peasy, rice and cheesy and the iPad is made to be a multimedia wonderland, storing music, movies, and photos digitally.



And with the bluetooth keyboard, Gan also got me, I've got myself an extremely portable writing computer that I can take with me everywhere. This easily the sweetest rig that I've ever owned in my entire life.

Like I said - totally not worthy.

I've already got my writing sync'd up with my dropbox account and I'm loading stuff I need and don't need on it. In fact, as it is almost lunch, I plan to sit down and do a little writing over work. (if not just to make the other geeks jealous.)

I hope to catalog some of the things that I love and would like to see improved on the iPad as I use it. These are some of the things I've noted so far.

PROS

- Ease. It's so easy to use.
- Slick. Feels like the future with all this touch screen interfacing.
- Pretty. So much nicer that iTouch being able to see everything.
- Web Surfing. An absolute joy. I think it actually saves me time.
- Portable. So easy to carry around.

CONS

- Too customized. No real drag and drop. Managing files still requires computer to sync up to.
- Distracting. Too many games. Too easy to waste time on web. Too much fun.
- Swanky. I feel like a man owning his first sports car. Every time I see a pigeon, I panic. I just want it to be pretty forever.
- Interwebs. A lot of the apps are very web heavy. If you don't have an wireless connection, a lot of the applications are useless.
- Bitch Factor. Can't help but feel like Steve Jobs' bitch every time I whip it out.

It's truly the most amazing gift and I feel like a prince using it. Now, all I have to do is make use of it and make some real progress on my writing.

And on that note...

2010 was definitely the year that I got off my ass and caught up on some movie watching. Thanks to Netflix and a bunch of free preview passes, my lovely wife and I saw a ton of films - some old, some new, heck, this one was driving a little car that was blue. Anyway, I thought I would take a moment to catch my thoughts on some of these mini operas.

Right.

So here it is, my ducks. "Ten Things I Learned About Myself Driving to Work on 2 1/2 Hours of Sleep".

#10. I know all the lyrics to Whiter Shade of Pale by Procol Harum. Where in God's name did I learn the lyrics to this song? *scratches head* Unlike a lot of people, I remember the 70s quite well. And the 80s. And I don't ever remember sitting down and listening to this song. I certainly never listened to this song enough times to be screaming as I drove to work this morning: "ONE OF SIXTEEN VESTAL VIRGINS... WHO WERE LEAVING FOR THE COAST... (*going for soulful*) AND ALTHOUGH MY EYES WERE OPEN... THEY MIGHT HAVE JUST AS WELL HAVE BEEN CLOSED!"

Because a couple of these simply NEEDED captions.

Mehgan and I gave out some gift cards for Christmas this year and the above card is my favorite.

It's a HUG card from Target. There are two holes where the bear's arms would be and the idea is that when you are done with the card, you can put your fingers through the card and use it like a little puppet.

Which is a great idea and all; HOWEVER, until you put your fingers through the card, it just looks like the little bear doesn't have any arms. *awww* *sniff* *awww*

So as I was putting the armless bear into the customary sorry-I-was-too-lazy-to-pick-out-a-real-gift-for-you card which in turn holds said gift card, I sort of got carried away with writing the standard holiday wishes. On all the others, I had written "Happy Holidays" or "Merry Christmas" and then the usual "Love, Mehgan and me", blah, blah, blah.

I guess I got carried away with my sister's card. (which just happened to include the armless bear gift card from target)

Here's what I wrote:

Needless to say, I am not allowed to write the cards that the gift cards go in any more.

Oh. My. God.

It's only December 2nd and I've already had people correcting "Happy Holidays" with "MERRY Christmas".

Please note that I am not angry at those people who simply wish someone a Merry Christmas, expressing his or her beliefs if I say something like Happy Holidays. No. It's the "MERRY Christmas" where the person is correcting you as if you misspoke the first time.

"Happy Holidays, Jack."

"MERRY Christmas, Ed." [/shit eating grin]

Because, you know, that's what Christ really wanted for people to do, to zing the others trying to be polite. "Surprise, bitches! Your attempt to not offend anyone actually OFFENDS me. Gotcha, fucker!"

Oh for the love of god, just shut up already.

Is it just me or has anyone noticed that the only fight that Christians are willing to make are with Atheists or people trying to be polite? Really? The only person that you want to make a stand against is the guy who doesn't want to go to your church? What about the guy over there who wants to kill you? What about that guy over there that is saying that Christ is a dick?

And speaking of picking on the guy who was just trying to wish you safe and happy holidays, what happen to the good ol' days when Christians went on Crusades and killed a bunch of people trying to take back the birth place of Christ? The religion of Islam is trying to take control of the holy land which is held by the people of the Jewish faith. Christians in middle east are persecuted and put to death simply for believing in Christ as their savior

But, no, uppity Christians are going to pick a fight with me, ME, the guy that thinks it's just fine that people can practice whatever religion they want, including you. I didn't even say anything about you trying to take back a pagan holiday that wasn't ever yours in the first place. You're picking a fight with the one guy in the room that doesn't hate you.

What's that? You're mad at me because I'm not on your side? Sweet Pickles in Irish Cream, Charlie! I'm not on ANYONE's side! I'm not even playing your WHO IS THE ONE TRUE GOD game! I was merely wishing you a happy holidays because yesterday was the first day of Hanukkah, you fucking tool! If you want to know the truth, I couldn't give a fuck about Hanukkah either. I was just trying to show a little good will to people during the these difficult times.

And so, just as I am a big ol' wuss for merely writing a blog entry, I am going to call a spade a shovel.

You, Mr. MERRY Christmas asshole, you are a spineless, delusional, asshat of a coward. You're picking a fight with the one group of people that are NOT trying to declare a holy war on you. You are nothing more than a big old bully, picking on the kid that has no desire whatsoever to fight back. What's next, Mr. Merry Fucking Christmas? Kicking blind kids? Scorning the poor for not being more pious? Making sure baby's first words are "Merry Christmas"? I'm sorry, I mean, baby's first words are "MERRY Christmas"?

I can respect a person wishing me a Merry Christmas in honor of his or her god, in honest celebration of a man who wanted nothing but the best for ALL of mankind. If Christ believed half the stuff he preached then he seems like a pretty great guy. But, seriously, fuck you, Mr. You-Offend-Me-With-Your-Happy-Holidays-Wishes. No, really, fuck you.

I hope Santa takes a shit in your Lexus.