Sometimes things are just made better by audience participation. Let's face facts - Rocky Horror Picture Show watched by yourself is not as fun as being in a theatre with 60 other guys, dressed as transvestites, throwing rice and toast, and shouting every 60 seconds like a Tourette's Convention in Akron, Ohio.

Would the three wolf shirt be as awesome if someone hadn't written a spot on review of how he met the love of his life at a Walmart all thanks to the mojo powers of the world's most amazing shirt?

Well, today I offer up this video clip about Turkey Cheese Fries. It's silly. Stupid. And kinda catchy.

But, it's made SUPER AMAZING AWESOME GREATNESS all thanks to a perfect comment left by (of all people) JoanOfAss.

"One day I'm going to get a job as a stripper and dance to this for money."

F*ck yah, Joan!

You can watch the embedded video and enjoy it just fine not unlike watching Rocky Horror Picture Show alone.

HOWEVER... if you imagine a dark, truck stop, strip joint at 2:30 in the afternoon on a Wednesday, almost completely empty of patrons with a single, voluptuous woman shaking too perfect oversized hams in your face while this song is playing... well... even without the all-you-can-eat hot dog/pork and beans buffet pushed up against the wall, this song transcends its normal greatness and becomes something much more.

Dare I say, the song becomes heavenly.

So I tip my hat to Joan and to the tranquil hills of lower East Ass and I proudly give you... Turkey - Cheese - Fries.

*gobble gobble*

I'll admit that I have a certain amount of respect for any woman who isn't afraid to step into a male dominated arena. It doesn't matter if it's making comic books or professional cooking or politics. And anyone who says it's easy is usually sporting a fashionable cock and balls (all the rage in Europe this year). We still live in a world where women are held to a much higher standard than men in most fields and many are required to be good looking as well.

That being said, I don't like Sarah Palin. I think the Republican's deserve better. I think they deserve someone who is smart and not simply a GILF.

Yet it wasn't too long ago that I remember when Mrs. Palin started down the Vice President campaign trail. In particular, I remember hearing a lot of things such as this:

"This is a tough, smart person who can relate to the average Joe," said John Kasich, a Republican commentator and former congressman from the battleground state of Ohio.

And unless Mr. Kasich was trying to say that the average Joe was a f*ckin' idiot, I don't see how any regular person could relate to politicians today, much less Sarah Palin.

Most of today's politicians come from Ivy League Schools, lots of money and from families long established in politics. (Heck, Al Gore was practically raised like a stalk of corn to be a politician.) Popular politicians don't eat at hot dog stands or go out hunting on weekends. Anybody remember those pictures of George W. Bush on a bicycle? He looked more uncomfortable than Elton John in a Vegas whorehouse. And John Kerry hunting? HA!

But that doesn't stop us from being assaulted with reminders that politicians are "just like us". Really? Because I don't have a personal assistant who writes everything down for me. And I don't wear $200,000 worth of new clothes just so I'll look good on camera. And I don't get paid to spend three years applying for my next job.

It's why I don't believe the whole "writing on my hand" incident recently with Sarah Palin. I'm sorry it just looks staged. "See? I'm just like you. I write on my hand to remember things." Uh-huh. Yeah, you're just like me. Yeah, like the cameras were going to miss that one. How was it that we never saw any previous evidence of Mrs. Palin writing on her hand when she was running for Vice President?

You know what I liked best about Sarah Palin when she was running for Vice President? I like that she had a daughter that got knocked up by a high school boy. Wow. Now THAT was something just about every American could relate to. Everyone wants the best for his or her children and aint it just like the little sh*t to go off and run to play hide the pickle with Captain for the football team. If I had been Sarah Palin, I would have run that one into the ground.

"Look folks. Don't be fooled by these nice clothes my party bought me. I'm a parent. Just like you. And as a parent, I can tell you that things don't always go the way you planned for them to go... not unlike my opponent's plans for a better tomorrow. We can plan and hope and dream for a better tomorrow but then, wouldn't you know it, Life comes along and kicks us in the seat of our pants. I can tell you all about unexpected surprises. Don't get me wrong. Intentions are great. I'm all about any plan that would result in a better tomorrow for my kids. But I'm also a realist and all that hoping and a wishin and reckless spending don't make wishes come true. What makes things happen in this country is hard work. It's what America was built on. If you work hard enough, you can make your dreams a reality, even despite those kicks in the padding that life gives everyone. I think that it's time we stopped wishing things would just fix themselves and it's time we rolled up our sleeves and started doing the very thing that made America great. It's time to get to work even if life is going to give us a little kick now and then."

Oh! And don't even get me started on how I can't relate to politicians in colonial America dumping tea into harbors. Are we romanticizing things so much that we are now admiring the slave holding, 100% white, 100% male, Irish hating politician of a couple hundred years ago? Seems like just yesterday when Jefferson Davies was doing just the same thing. And I'll be straight with you here, I don't miss those dark and backward years. I don't miss them one bit.

All I'm saying is that don't be fooled by politicians saying they are just like you. They aren't. Any politician, who serves a single day in Federal service, gets Health Care for life. One day = never having to think about Health Care ever again. Even if they quit two days later. Politicians could give a rat's ass about how much money Health Care Providers charge for this or for that. It doesn't apply to them as they have Health Insurance for life.

IMHO... we deserve better.

If you ever work with the undead, sooner or later someone is going to ask you about soothsayers.

I suppose it makes sense. After all, if you work with guys who should be by all scientific reasoning (quote) six feet under (unquote), well, why not believe in things like prophecy and prognostication. Age doesn't hurt either. When a guy is over 600+ years old and he tells you to buy so and so stock or shares in this or that, it's not hard to think that he knows something that you don't.

But believe me, I've been in some fantasy football leagues with some of these undead yahoos and let me tell you, these resuscitation impaired know-it-alls do NOT have all the answers. Undead does not equal the ability to see into the future. In fact, everyone in the office still teases Randy for not predicting Black Monday even though he was working at Chase National Bank at the time.

You can not see into the future with certainty. Speculate, sure, but not foretell. At least not with any sort of regular accuracy. But, but, but, you say, what about palm readers, tea readers, that woman from the Dominican Republic with those ads on t.v.? Total and complete bull patties, the lot of them.

And yet with a new decade upon us, I can not help but make some predications of shit that I think is going to get old really fucking quick. (HA!)

Such as:



LAUGHING AT RETARDS: If shows like American Idol, Jersey Shore and Newlyweds, Nick and Jessica have taught us anything, it's that there's tons of money to be made parading out half brains. Are we so insecure with who we are that watching celebrities or guidos fail in life gives our own existence some sort of validation? This is just sad in my humble opinion. If you had a friend that went to the Special Olympics to sit on the bleachers laughing his ass off at all the arm flailing and all the people shouting "I'M NUMBER ONE WINNER!", wouldn't you want to say, "Hey, dude, that's not what this is about"? Laughing at people for not being as smart, or for not being as pretty, or for not being as worldly wise as you as kinda, sorta, childishly mean. You know who does that kind of crap? Those jocks that would stand around the track and watch the fat kids huff an puff around the lap. "Look at how pathetic that loser is." It's no different than laughing at a social inept person who refers to herself as "Snooki".



MOVIES MADE FROM COMIC BOOKS THAT WERE ALREADY MADE INTO MOVIES: You know what? I'm done. I know I know. I'm sure SCOTTY PILGRIM will be great. And I'm sure GREEN LANTERN will be awesome and I'm looking forward to IRON MAN 2, but really, enough is enough. Hollywood already has plans to remake comic book movies that didn't do as well as they hoped the first time to include: Fantastic Four, Daredevil, Spiderman, and SPAWN. You know, this crap got really old in comics when titles started relaunching sometimes twice in the same year. Sure, you've read the Avengers, but have you read ULTIMATE Avengers. So let me see if I got this right? Comic books totally lost their audience by simply telling the same story over and over again in lieu of writing new stories and... what... now we're going to do this in movies? I mean I just heard that they are going to relaunch Ghost Rider and that just came out like a year or two ago. Enough already.



AGELESS VAMPIRES DATING HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS: Look. I actually know a couple of vampires. Hell, I know a couple of people who are over three hundred years that don't look a day of 25. And I have yet to meet one person over 100 that wants to date an emotionally unstable 17 year old. I don't care how perfect anyone soul is. (Did you know that was Humbert Humbert excuse for chasing Dolores? She was perfect.) There's nothing wrong with dating someone not close to your age. However, there is something wrong with dating someone who is still learning how to handle his or her emotions and who doesn't completely understand the ramifications of letting her boyfriend make a movie of her "expressing" her love. I'm not saying Edward has to start dating women who play bridge and smell like Polygrip, but, seriously, dude, there are dating services available to the undead that will allow you to meet people (with perfect souls) that are old enough to understand what a fucking PREDATOR is.



RUNNING BAREFOOT: Studies have recently come out saying that it's healthier to run barefoot on a hard surface rather than wearing sneakers or athletic shoes. Great. Just when I get over my phobias of the guys with the dirty feet doing yoga in the gym, now I gotta deal with it on the track. And please, don't tell me how clean your feet are. I don't care. You know, urine is sterile but that doesn't mean I want to run through your piss either.

As I said earlier, there's no right answer when it comes to talking about the future. After all, I thought THE DARK KNIGHT would be a stupid movie and look how wrong I was. Still, if I have learned anything with working with the undead is that no one has all the answers.

I betcha Superman has a blog.

After all, he has all the symptoms. He has a degree in "Journalism" and he's obviously not afraid to write about himself. It's been a long time since the Justice League was the Super Friends so he probably doesn't have a lot of Super Powered Pals to bitch to. Yet he obviously has strong opinions about the way things are supposed to be run. Frankly, I bet a blog helps him by letting him deal with ordinary and mundane things just floating around in his super cranium.

Oh and don't say Ma and Pa Kent. It's one thing to be a Mama's boy and call/fly/runreallyfast back to Kansas every night, but even that's gotta get old. Come to think of it, does Clark ever go home to do anything other than bitch? And, you know, Thanksgiving? He's got that Fortress of Solitude up north for sitting around, icing his red and blue balls while watching porn. He can't be such a milksop (that's white bread soaked in milk) that he cries on Ma and Pa's respective bountiful chest all the time.



I figure Superman MUST have a blog. Because when push comes to shove, people don't want to hear your problems when you are trying to save them.





I bet Superman's blog is a treasure trove of sparkly indulgent rants and self absorbed jewels. "Who is this Roy Lichtenstein guy and does anyone really think that is art?" And "She can wear anything she wants to the meetings. I just think she should put on a bathrobe when we're talking about new business because nobody is listening to me with all that Amazonian cleavage sitting at the table." And let's not forget my favorite. "I think Batman doesn't really like me."

Yup. I bet Superman has a blog. And I bet it's AWESOME!

Sometimes you can't help but wish you had someone as wise and as fishy as Admiral Ackbar helping you out.

It's really not the kinda day to be at work. The flurries are snow globing outside my windows and a white dusting is slowly covering the city. Keeping with the theme, two of my eight computers are frozen and only half of the office is in, all having black berried in earlier "I'm on my way! Stuck in Traffic!"

The weekend was very nice. It got off to a rocky start with me having to work late on Friday night, but Gan handled the kids and I was home by nine. Work was kind enough to leave me alone on Saturday and Sunday. Also, I introduced Gan to the canceled television show, Kitchen Confidential, and she took a real shine to it. (Funny good looking men in a professional kitchen, how could she not love it?) Unfortunately we only have about six episodes left.

However, late Sunday night, I did find time to write. I'm still chipping away at Chapter 4 and while I don't love the work, I am really pleased with the results. Dare I say, it's a significant improvement from the first draft. Of course, it was almost 1:00 in the morning when Gan and I finally turned in. I need about one more month of staying up until midnight and I could get this book looking mighty pretty. Well, one step at a time.

I feel like I slipping on so many things lately. I know I can't do it all, but I can't even seem to do a few things well right now. Twitter, flickr, facebook, this blog, wedding stuff and my writing, I want to update regularly on all these but I just don't seem to have the time. And it's funny because I don't feel like a lazy man but there just aren't enough hours in the day. What else am I supposed to cut out? *grrr* So frustrating.

Okay. *sigh* Back to work. Until next time, we just gotta singa, and a danca...

I did not want to go to work today. Gan has a four day weekend and was doing the whole "I'm-cute-as-hell-why-not-stay-home-with-me" thing this morning. If I hadn't started the car and left it running to melt its ice coffin, I probably would have caved. So now, I'm at work but my mind keeps trying to leave and rush home. Bad brain. Naughty, naughty brain.

A week ago I decided I was going to cut back on my diet pepsi consumption. I have tried this in the past but it always messes with my gastro-intestinal, digestive plumbing so I always fail. Anyway, to celebrate my cutting back, this morning I bought myself a big ol' 44 oz diet pepsi and fell right off that bumpy, uncomfortable, pious wagon and landed right back in the gutter. Only the carbonation or something was off and the whole thing taste like it was made with used, gas station bathroom water instead. I know, ew right? But am I drinking it anyway? Damn straight I am. (and people ask me why I don't drink alcohol)

I have decided that I am going to try and double my efforts on my editing of the book. No more for this willy nilly bull berries. It's time to get serious. Or at least, it's time to say a bunch of motivational stuff until I get distracted by a new web site that combines both photos of baby goats and baby walruses...es...es. (Wal-r-eye?) Oh yes! It's editing time! Right... after... I finish... this ... blog entry?

*takes big slurp of icky diet pepsi*

In other news, I saw the picture above (see above) and started thinking about death and video games. Yes again. And it got me a wondering... I wonder if Death gets challenged to Guitar Hero a lot now-a-days. And subsequently, I wonder how good he is at it. I figure after the first 100 or so slackers, he probably got pretty good at it. Customized outfits and shit. It would make for an interesting Bergman movie. That is if Bill and Ted hadn't already done it.

Gan and I skipped icy roads and LEGION last night and schnuggled on the couch watching SERENITY instead. Legion just didn't sound good enough to brave the roads and since we watched SLITHER, I've been wanting more Nathan Fillion. Then again, what sexually confused red blooded American boy doesn't? *blink* Anyway, Serenity was awesome for the 35th time. Yes, it still holds up.

Right. I've got to get running. (Gan is on her way downtown for some food.) More later.

Oh and nothing but love to Mr. Shyaporn who continues to make with the funny.

So tonight is one of the few nights that Gan and I actually get to spend time together so we're headed out to a free screening of LEGION. I'm not expecting greatness but then again, I wasn't expecting much from CONSTANTINE either. I love me some biblical horror. What was that movie with Demi Moore? The Seventh Seal? Call me a sucker but "Over The Top Acting" plus "Wrath of God" equals "Popcorn Fun"! In truth, as long as I'm hanging out with Gan, I know it will be a blast - no matter what we're seeing.

I'm still working on edits of Graveyard Weed. Chapter 4 to be exact. Still going slow. Work hasn't been giving me any leisure time and I haven't found the time at home either. Gotta stop making excuses so I can move on. I've started an outline, dialog fragments, themes, and research for the second book, but I refuse to leave the first book in a half ass state. Still... I reallllllllly wanted to try and translate Fetish into book format. But I know I have to stay on track. (says the man writing a blog entry)

My best bud Ted has put up a web comic over HERE. He's also got a lot on his plate putting together pages to show the big two and working on his thesis. To make time, he gave up his time playing Scrabble online which came down to about an hour to two a day. I can't help but admire his dedication and I can't help but think about how much I could get done if I simply gave up celebrity websites and pr0n.

Okay I'm headed back to work and edits.

Oh. I'm posting this youtube clip everywhere right now. It's the most painful FAIL I've ever seen. It's like Stephen Hawkins drove a bus full of retarded puppies off a cliff.

As I was wasting time the other day over at io9, I stumbled upon yet another top 100 fantasy and science fiction book lists. In truth, I really don't know why I take the time to read these lists. I've spent a life time of reading other people's "best of" recommendations only to find them seriously lacking. Haven't we all?

And I think this is because everyone's top 10 or top 100 or world's greatest list is completely subjective. I mean, really, are we all ever going to agree that Dan Simmons Hyperion as the greatest science fiction novel ever? Because I'm ready to raise an army and kill anyone who tries to tell me that wannabe crap is the best science fiction/fantasy novel of all time. Seriously. You will have to hunt me and my brothers down like Wolverines from Red Dawn before I'll sign my name at the bottom of that list. I've read Tigana too and feel the same way.

If you've got three seconds though, you should check out the list OVER HERE.

Not because this list is great but it's an interesting study into the character of the science fiction nerd.

Recently I read an article about a nerd who was CRUSHED that his nine year old boy l-o-v-e-d Avatar.... wait for it.... loved it more than Star Wars. How could the boy that was bred to surpass him embrace something as shallow as Avatar over The Emprire Strikes Back?

And here's my answer: What flavor nerd you are relies a lot on when you were born.

Now, before everyone lights torches and rushes my house, hear me out. Take a gander at the list I've posted above. It's a fine list but extremely heavy on what I like to call "Drug Sci Fi". This is science fiction and fantasy that was written during the 70s that was experienced best while being baked out of your freaking mind. For some prime examples, you can note Philip K. Dick, Gene Wolfe, Ursula Le Guin and later works of Robert Heinlein.

This list is a perfect example of someone who grew up reading a lot of Drug Sci Fi and Drug Fantasy and then went on to read other such inspired authors such as Neal Stephenson, Vernor Vinge and Jack Vance.

Just 10 years ago, this list looked very different. Everyone agreed that it would never get any better than Asimov's mathematic wet dream Foundation or Tolkien's linguist masturbatorium Lord of the Rings. (But hats off to Theodore Sturgeon for trying with More Than Human. Or George Orwell for 1984.)

In another 10 years, this list will look very different. The nerds raised on Orson Scott's video game inspired Enders Game and Douglas Adams cheeky Hitchhickers Guide will rule and the top 100 list will look even more different than now.

And is this such a terrible thing? Is Slan a better book Necromancer? Is Tiger Tiger a better book Hawksbill Station? (All four classics were left off the aforementioned list.)

I would put forth that it depends on the world we live in. Invasion of the Body Snatchers was a fantastic science fiction novel for anyone who felt persecuted by McCarthyism. Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro is a perfect science fiction tome for people who feel that science is being used for profit in a less than ethical manner. (Two more books that never made the list.)

How you view the world ultimately reflects what kind of nerd you are.

So I recommended that if you read a list, look for books you haven't read, and give them a try. But if the person's top ten is so very different than your own, instead of thinking that the person is an idiot, keep in mind that he or she might simply be a very different nerd than you.

Teh Awesome.

GOOD NEWS!

Ed wood is alive and well. And apparently he is living in China and making Sims movies for the PRC news media. If you don't know who Ed Wood is, well then shame on you. But if you do and you would also like to see an example of his work, look no further.

A couple of weeks ago the first "reenactment" was released by the Chinese media to show people what was happening with the Tiger Woods/affair/scandal thingie. While the first reenactment was handled mostly by character from the Sims Game: Celebrities, Celebrities, Celebrities, the SECOND reenactment has taken the art of news creation to a whole new level.

Take a look...



Not impressed? Look again.

For example. Check out that Vegas Party at the 0.44 mark in the video. Seriously, if you have a minute, freeze/pause the video at that 0.44 mark and take a good look at that Vegas Party.

Dude.

WTF?

First of all, what the f*ck is that dancing on the right hand side of the screen? No, srsly, whatthefuck is that? It looks like a bondage muppet from a lost episode of Seseme Street. Or a Stanley Kubrick reject costume character from the Shinning. Seriously. What the hell is that? No really! WHAT IS THAT?

And if this is a Vegas Party, then why is it held in one of the halls on the way to the elevator? And is that guy dancing with the wall behind Tiger? Let's see. Why, yes, yes he is dancing with the wall. But why you ask? Oh don't be silly. This is Vegas after all.

This video reenactment would make Ed Wood smile which would be quite a feet as I think he's still dead. Sure, the video is probably not the highest quality and, sure, maybe they took some creative liberties and saved a little money on sets, but it has the heart and soul of an Ed Wood film.

Enjoy.

(But seriously, at the 0.44 mark... dude... what the f*ck?)

Please forgive me for posting this.

And, you know, for laughing at it.

But it pretty much sums up the whole movie.

MILLION DOLLAR BABY IN 5 SECONDS.

(yes - spoilers - *sheesh*)

An interesting little meme that I wrote for Facebook today.

Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen books you've read that will always stick with you. First fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes. Tag fifteen friends, including me because I'm interested in seeing what books my friends choose. (To do this, go to your Notes tab on your profile page, paste rules in a new note, cast your fifteen picks, and tag people in the note -- upper right hand side.

Okay. I'm shooting from the hip here. 15 in 15 minutes.... and.... go!

TIGER TIGER (also known as The Stars My Destination) by Alfred Bester - Science Fiction - It's more than just a 50s Sci Fi knock off of the Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas. An epic adventure novel about a man so blinded by revenge that he will stop at nothing - even evolving. Best buddhist book on the list.

BATTLE CRY OF FREEDOM by James M. McPherson - U.S. Civil War - Easily the best book about the U.S. Civil War ever written. McPherson plays "follow the money" and shows what one of the bloodiest conflicts the world has ever known was REALLY about. Shook me to the core.

BLITHEDALE ROMANCE by Nathaniel Hawthorne - Fiction - What if intellectuals bent on leaving society behind moved into Melrose Place? My most favorite Hawthorne novel and the best love-quadrilateral ever written. What a wonderful, guilty pleasure.

THE MICROBE HUNTERS by Paul de Kruif - Non-Fiction - A book with so much heart that you can't help but smile as you read a history of Microbiology (of all things). If only all books of science could be written this well. So effin' good.

THE SNARKOUT BOYS AND THE AVOCADO OF DEATH by Daniel J. Pinkwater - Juvenile - Pinkwater was my favorite writer as a boy and this book says it all. A bizarre book about two of the most unlikely heroes - Walter Galt and Winston Bongo. And, yes, The Avocado of Death.

WUTHERING HEIGHTS by Emily Bronte - Fiction - Oh god, of all the books on the list, I wish that I could go back and read this book again for the first time. Don't see the movie. Don't read the jacket cover. Just settle into your favorite chair on a cold rainy day and read about one of the most F*CKED up love stories ever written. Srsly. F*ck yah!

CREATURE TECH by Doug TenNapel - Graphic Novel - Not since A Canticle for Leibowitz has a book come so close to making me a Christian. TenNapel's opus is about a scientist who become shackled with a symbiotic alien parasite while trying to track down a madman in possession of the Shroud of Turin. Better than Lewis' Out of a Silent Planet and filled with action, adventure, and a scientist who is forced to question his lack of faith. Brilliant.

BEAU GESTE by Percival Christopher Wren - Fiction - This book has it ALL! Everything! Romance. Adventure. The French Foreign Legion. A Jewel Heist. Ghosts. But lord, I don't do it justice. If I could write books, I would want to write a book like this.

HOMAGE TO CATALONIA by George Orwell - Memoir - Europe's answer to John Steinbeck enrolls with the Communists to fight the Fascists in Spain. Orwell shows British grit as he writes a truly literate war memoir. Anarchists and Communists fighting side by side against a common enemy - who would have thunk it.

TENAHU by Ursula K. Le Guin - Science Fiction - Lost in the myriad of amazing novels by Le Guin is this short feminist powerhouse about dragons and a burned little girl. The novel is a triumph in simplicity and often overlooked because the Harry Potter wizard (that an entire generation fell in love with) is now aged and impotent. Better than the Left Hand of Darkness, this novel is a work of unparalleled greatness.

GOOD BEHAVIOR by Donald E. Westlake - Mystery - I love me a good heist novel and nobody wrote them better than Mr. Westlake. All of the John Dortmunder novels are fantastic but everything just clicks in this caper from Andy Kelp to Murch's Mom. You can read any of Westlake's Dortmunder novels but this is my favorite.

THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN by Richard Matheson - Horror - This book is just subtle enough that most people have no idea how scary it is. But give this book to any man and he'll tell you that it's the most frightening tome ever written. It's more than just a little dude fighting a spider. Ignore the cover. Prepare for a terror. I'm getting the chills just writing about it.

THE MAN WHO WAS THURSDAY - G.K. Chesterton - Fiction - Sometimes it isn't "what", it's "how". And sometimes you can see where a book is going yet still enjoy how an author takes you there. Chesterton's best novel is full of adventure, paradox, and philosophy as he takes a mystery novel and applies it to the all power Sunday (maybe God, maybe not). Chesterton was always about re-defining genres with his crooked little smile and with Thursday, he authored a novel that defies description.

V. by Thomas Pynchon - Fiction - I guess we all have our favorite Pynchon novel and this one is mine. Anyone who says Pynchon was merely trying to steal Nabokov's prose is full of dog shit and V is the best book about women ever written by a man. I love this book from Profane to Stencil. Pynchon at his best. (at least until I finish Gravity's Rainbow.)

THE TRACK OF THE CAT by Walter Van Tilburg Clark - Western - A gothic western about three brothers going one after the other out into the cold to track down a mountain cat killing their cattle. But it's more than just a who is hunting whom. This is a novel about family that you hate and guilt you can't escape. Cold, bleak and so very well written.

And that's it! 15 books in 35 minutes. I think I went over time a little bit. Please, share with me your favorites. And feel free to point out the ones that I forgot. OH! Like God Emperor of Dune by Herbert. What a great f*ckin' book!

Oh. My. F*cking. GAWD!

Thank you San Diego Comic Con!

If you didn't seen Kenny Brawn-Brawn's early test footage for Thor at San Diego, let me be the first to say, all doubts and fears about this project have been removed from my mind.

HOLY SH!T - this looks awesome. I want to watch this movie right now. Seriously. Right - now!

If you click on the link, prepare yourself. It's short. And it gives just a brief hint of one scene. And the special effects aren't finished. I don't even think that's Chris Hemsworth at the Nordic God. This clip was clearly made by Ken-Dawg and his production team to show Marvel at the direction that they were going for the movie.

It doesn't matter though.

Does contain a minor spoiler so be warned. But if you do click - you gotta watch to the end. Srsly.

Man, but I would do ANYTHING to watch this film right now. *single tear of joy*

Puff!

Yah you!

Let's go get us some lunch.

I know where you want to go.

For some reason, people can never picture me getting into fights. Maybe it's because my friends see me as more of a lover than a fighter. I don't know. But make no mistake about it, I take Mixed Martial Arts and hand to hand combat very seriously. Very. Seriously.

That's why I own all of Master Terry McMillian's defensive arts DVDs. If you've never watched one, you'd be amazed at how much you can learn from just one three minute clip.



(Special thanks to chaos_dwarf for the clip.)

DISCLAIMER: I like Judd Apatow movies. I don't know if I would say that I love them, but, yes, I do like them. I felt that both The 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up had brilliant parts that made up for the fall apart endings, but I enjoyed them both. All this being said, I was pretty excited to see Funny People this weekend.

What follows is my stand up comedy, mostly spoiler free review of Funny People. Click if you dare. Go on. I dares yah.

Shocking.

You Are a Werewolf

You are moody and easily provoked. You are highly loyal and protective of those you love. While you can be intense at times, you are generally a laid back person. But if a fight comes your way, you will fight 'til the death if necessary. You seem normal to most people. No one understands how different you can be. It's like a switch flips for you sometimes - and then you're a completely different creature.

When you work with the undead on a day to day basis, it never hurts to have a little luck on your side.

Still, no one at my office relies on luck to get them home at the end of the day.

Now, I don't think anyone fears for his life working with undead clients. We've been hired to perform a service and eating/draining/turning/humping/selling/killing us isn't very cost effective. (Sorry. I'm an accountant. I tend to think this way.) Besides, most of the undead clients have completely assimilated to living with ... uh ... the living. Most of them.

But no zookeeper salts and peppers his skin before working with tigers. Jesus, could I be any more condescending? Zookeepers? (Yeah like I'm the guy in charge.) Maybe a better way of saying it would be like this: the best way to avoid a mistake made on an impulse, is to avoid temptation.

So most of the people that I work with who have a heartbeat are spelled or carry or wear something that will allow us to focus on doing on our job and not wondering if the client likes white or dark meat. We have amulets and charms and blessed chains and glamour spells - anything that would send a message that we know what we're doing and we wouldn't go down without a fight. Or at least that we'd go down with something more than a blood curdling scream.

Above is a picture I took with my phone of my favorite - a bronze medallion with Pius XII on it.

It used to be my grandfather's and I'm anything but Catholic, but as far as invocations go, the medallion is nothing short of a lens, taking anything I put into it and multiplying it by a factor of four. It allows me to sit down with anything from a werewolf to a man possessed by an Assyrian demon and conduct myself in a professional manner.

I have a bunch of protective objectives, ranging from magic bread (don't ask) to a three way mirror (again don't ask), but my bronze Pope on a Rope is something I love and wear regularly. My friend Gary tried it on and he couldn't do anything with it which shouldn't make it cooler, but it does.

Like I said, it's really unlikely that anything would ever happen to me at work. Still, it never hurts to have a little something extra.

Look.

If you spend millions of (albeit stolen) dollars to fund an operation to overthrow the civilized world, taking months to plan and properly coordinate your scheme to enslave humanity, and then the costumed nut job that foils your plans just happens to be riding one of these....



... well, let's face it... this guy is just rubbing your nose in the fact that he's waaaaaaaaay ahead of you.

I mean, it's one thing to foil your weeks upon weeks of planning with high tech weaponry and unmatched martial arts. I can totally understand that. Hell, I don't know anything about Karate, or Kung Fu, or Feng Shui. That's why I hire ninjas and motorcycle gangs. So, yah, if the guy shows up on some magical speed bike straight out of Star Wars, well f*ck, I can sympathize if your get your ass kicked. Been there, had that kicked.

But if it's simply a matter of him calling the cops and showing up to gloat while sitting on top of an elephant as they haul you away to some maximum security prison, well, our costumed zoo keeper there is just trying to break it to you gently that your in the wrong line of work.

Seriously - jesus - he bested your plans and he did it while riding a f*cking pachyderm. This is really nothing more than him telling you that your being sent back to the minors which is where, I am sorry to say, you rightfully belong.

:-(